It can be really sad and upsetting, when there is somebody that you like very much and there is little similarity between each other.
I mean, you can still “get along”, but when the difficult time comes, and you need to reason it out together, you just don’t have the similar method of approaching and understanding the issue and solving it, and it gets you nowhere. It can be really frustrating, because there are these good feelings that you have for this person, and yet, you realize how so far away you are from him, as far as the way of thinking and understanding goes. Seemingly, from the outside, it’s a good, smooth, easy going relationship, and this kind of relationship can give you happiness, pleasure, everything there is to be, but deep down, you just don’t match.
It is no big deal if you don’t have to deal with the person on so personal a level, but, if it’s somebody whose feelings for you mean so much to you and who can really affect you, who can possibly make you feel hurt, through the superficial (yet very much laboured, which is even sadder) understanding, the problem gets serious. It makes you very sad.

SO,
that’s, how I’m sad today..

Besides that.. I got up at 7:10 A.M. this morning, because of this..perfunctory, “participation mark”-type of a stupid audition I had at 11:30. I had 8 minutes to play, with pieces that’re 20 minutes long all together. Basically, the whole thing was a huge chop-off, and I am really feeling bad for my mom and dad because I had to spend their 40 dollars on accompaniment just to have played for 6 minutes or so (for one minute of the remaining two I played unaccompanied Bach, and the rest was an interview). These things, upset me. I don’t know what my problem is, but I don’t think I could ever get over playing Bach suites in public, and without music.
Simply the fact that I have no accompaniment alone makes me nervous already, but if I had to play the repetitous fugues from memory, it can only be nerve-wracking. I know I play so well while I learn and practice them, but only for myself. I so agree with the argument that Bach suites are supposed to be played soley for the performer himself. I should’ve played one huge flashy piece at a real fast tempo or something, so I would only have had to play that one piece and not the rest, but I thought the adjudicator would appreciate the subtleties and the TRUE musical and technical difficulties in the intricate Boccherini Sonata.
Oh well.. I honestly did not put much effort in this to begin with. But I really need to work on…believing in myself on stage.

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