– unable to produce anything.
I can retain information and I can read other people’s stuff. Or even stuff I have produced in the past. I just am too drained to CREATE anything. In fact, I am amazed I can still suck in anything by reading at all. I am sick. I want to go home. Fudge all of this, man. I mean, not really. Haha. I want to be done with this stuff. I will finish it. I just need more time. Twenty-four hours (actually a little less than that) is a little tight of a schedule to finish 20 pages of Buddhist philosophy. God save me. Have mercy. I’m not asking for a miracle. Just help me get through this. I need a pen and paper. I will be done. Don’t focus too much of being done. Don’t obsess over it. It will be finished if you just keep working. Keep working. Just keep walking looking at the ground. Don’t look up. Where is the end? When is it coming? Just keep going. Look at the rocks on the ground. Look at the things birds and mice have dropped. Look at the grass and the weeds. Look at your shoes. There are some funny scars on your shoes. Scratched. Ouch. Did it hurt, shoes? I’m sorry I haven’t been able to take better care of you. That’s right, just look at the tips of your shoes; your moving feet. You aren’t going crazy, you will hit the finish line. Don’t worry. Hear the cheer. See? They are all cheering you on. Listen to your mom. Mom, I’m almost here. I’m just way too tired. Don’t be dramatic. I’m not being dramatic. You try to do this. Fuck you. Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Don’t get upset. I really do sympathize with you. I couldn’t do it even if somebody paid me to do it. I wouldn’t be able to. So, what are the things that you have to work on? Well, I am working on a paper on the enhancing effects of Buddhist principles on a music student’s life. Wow, that sounds f*cking darn broad – do you have lots of pages to write? No. I only have five. It kind of drives me crazy. Hey didn’t you say you have another paper to write? What’s that on? It’s on the value/meaning of artistic creation and the involvement of ego in it. Oh yeah? I remember us talking about this before. You had a lot to say about it. It was all very clear to me, what you were telling me; seemed like you really knew what you wanted to say and got it all organized too. You could probably make it very compact and concise; why don’t you make that your 5-page paper? Well I’ll think about it. I am just unable to write right now, really. Okay. We’re gonna help you. Are you really? Yeah. You are a good girl and you work hard. Yeah well. I try though sometimes I just get so tired of it all. Yeah we understand; that’s why we are trying to help you now. Come on. Get out of your stupid computer monitor. Talk, talk to us sweetheart. We’ll get through this together – just pour out some ideas for us. We’ll write them down together, okay? But first of all you need to sit down with us at this round table… with paper and a pencil so you can write things down, erase, feel real and alive with your ideas and write only when you really have something organized in your head. That’s right it’s a wooden coffee table. Haven’t you read the Robert Barthes essay Toys? Wooden material is close to nature and emanates warmth, honey. You’ll feel much more relaxed and natural. Come on. Take a deep breath. Smile for us baby. Yeaaah there you go. See how tense your facial muscles were? All of this affects you. We love you. Come on over here.. let us give you a hug. Good, good baby. Now Soo, our little intellectual, let us hear you speak.. about what you need to talk about. Uh-huh.. would you like some tea? We have some nice Red Rose tea. Do you want milk in it or no? No thank you, plain tea is fine – I like the transparency. It’s all very clear. Yes my dear, just like your thoughts and your mind. Mmm mmm.. That’s right, nibble on some cookies here baby. Uh, I feel sick in the stomach. Oh then stop eating those cookies – here, your tea is ready. It’ll make you feel better. Hot tea is always good for your body and soul. Close your eyes, smell this, deeply inhale. *sniff* MM… I like it. Thank you. *smile* Much better. *SMILE BACK* That’s right baby. Imagine yourself in a bamboo forest. Yes, just like the one you grew up seeing around you. That’s right. There’s a sense of calmness, right? Yes. Soo, you are strong just as the bamboo tree you see. It’s green and fresh. … Um, actually, I’ve always liked the word verdant.. sure, then. It’s a verdant meadow. It’s beautiful. It’s a forest. Whatever you like it to be.
I feel less like crying. Good. Though, you can always cry with us when you want. Thank you, spirits of trees. You know.. remember this one time, when I still went to INTERACT, my high school? Yeah, of course. That day when you hugged one of us and talked to us.. we remember. Yeah, I put my arms around you and put my cheek against your trunk, and I talked to you, and I breathed in with you, feeling your spirit filling me in.. I felt the tickle of the green syrup flowing into me through my veins. That’s right, baby. I prayed to you to share some of your energy with me.. and you did. Thank you. Did you hear me say thank you? You seemed pretty darn silent then. 🙂 That day I really felt like crying – and I saw the crisp blue skies through you many green leaves, bathed in sunshine, glittering. Yes baby, we all remember. Now now…
I’ve written that much in 5 minutes. But that’s the only kind of thing I can produce. I can’t. I can’t. Baby don’t. Don’t cry. Let’s get to work. Yeah.. let’s structure this essay.
by the end of this, I will have been reduced to the smallest unit of living organism. You won’t even be able to see me. Once I get home, then my mom can inflate me again.. but how am I going to get on the plane with my cello and luggae if I can’t even carry them and people can’t even see me?