“Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Yeah. So how is school.

School is wonderful. Some people don’t think that NEC has too many interesting courses, but I think there are lots of good courses from which you can benefit here and am trying to get as much out of it as I can.

Before getting into this though – I had a weird dream last night.

It was my family’s new home in Toronto, and for some reason Carl was living near us, and somehow I found out about that. I think I called him up. It was just like the old days, the guilt and anxiety, and my parents came home earlier than I thought they would and yes it was just like that, the stuff from the old days all over again…

And I saw three eyebrow trimmers. One was the one I have, and I picked up another one from my mom and lastly I went out to buy stuff after sorting things out with suspicious parents more or less and I bought an eyebrow trimmer because my mom told me to, even though I had told her that I already had two. All this time I knew that I was still in danger and was trying very hard to get around it smoothly.

When we came back home Carl wasn’t where he was supposed to be hiding 😮 and I was relieved and thanked for his smart thinking.

Later that evening we had a party at our place, and there were lots and lots of kids (around my age). We all watched a movie on a big silver lined screen in my room. It was dimly lit, for which I remember myself struggling to get the right sort of lighting for a couple minutes. There were skyscrapers and very blue skies and maybe some very white clouds. It was sunny. I saw somebody flying among them and I think that’s when I woke up, thinking that yes this is a dream I don’t need to be actually worried about anything or thinking or feeling anything so hard at all, I only need to get up and out of it.

So I opened my eyes and Emily asked me “Soo, don’t you have an orchestra meeting today?” And I had to get the hell out of my bed right away and get ready like a mad woman (but it turned out to be on Friday, thank G).

Yeah… so that’s my long dream story. And I know where all of the crap came from, except for the flying person part. I dreamed of the guilty old times because I am paranoiac about not repeating them, and I feel dangers every now and then. The movie-watching party was because of my neighbours, who had earlier that evening asked me to join them and watch a movie, and were watching it at a fairly audible volume with fairly audible laughters as I was trying to fall asleep later on. The skyscrapers and blue skies, white clouds? I was lying down reading my Buddhist Philosophy textbook (oh yeah I haven’t told you about my courses yet.. we’ll get to those soon, just wait one more second) by the reflecting pool at the Christian Science Centre two days ago. It was so brightly sunny and I was so happy, just lying there while getting my legs even more tanned (yes it’s the most satisfyingly pleasuarable thing to do under the sun). At one point I put my book on my stomach and lay flat, and looked sideways, and I saw the most beautiful and brightest colours of the summer, the last glories of the slowly vanishing summer. I loved it and felt almost too happy. I could feel life in my body and around me and in the cosmos and life moving freely through time, from one second to the next, the life of the present in the present.

Sorry I got sort of carried away there..

So, my classes.

My classes… right now my schedule is packed like insane because I have decided to take the whole two extra credits beyond the regular limit of 16 credits. I must take music history (2 credits) and theory (2) and studio (cello lessons, 4 credits) and orchestra (1) as mandatory, and besides that I am taking German (3), Buddhist Philosophy(2), Jazz Theory and Improvisation (had the first class yesterday.. fun fun!, 1 credit), piano lessons (1) and voice lessons (1). Of course this is an overload, but I still have quite some time until the add/drop period ends, so we’ll see how it goes.. although, according to my memory things didn’t get quite that bad until mid-October when I was taking 17 credits… meaning, I might not quite realize just how crazy this is until it’s way too late to do anything about it and get smacked right in the face and live a living hell. Eh… but it’s voice and piano lessons. We’ll see how this goes.

All in all, so far so good. I love this city. Yes. The sky is glassy blue today with no clouds. It’s beautiful. I’ll go and do some homework and yet more organizing around in my room.

Like I said already, college life is so short. I sometimes have this fleeting and dizzying realization of how happy I am to be here, and for my youth, just how wonderful and fascinating and blessed this period of my life is, every passing second, not even aware of it all the time, and knowing even as I am realizing this that I will never quite know just how happy these days of my life are until far, far down the road in the future. And life seems so precious, but it goes, slowly but constantly slipping through my fingers and my being, like the most precious and sparkling kind of golden powder turning into sand through my fingers, and it’s so beautiful, even the evanescence of it is – and sometimes my whole body feels like weeping for the intensely sad yet still more intensely joyful beauty of this phenomenon. I wish to prolong it for as long as I can but I know that time is unstoppable. And again, I feel the incomparably gigantic forces of nature and I feel so small, as I really am only one nearly invisible particle of this universe. These were the thoughts and feelings going through my soul as I lay there that viscerally sad and happy afternoon, and as I sat somewhere across that spot by the pool the previous night under the almost-full moon.

Life is short in general, and it slips through your fingers at any given time I guess, but I somehow sense that right now is probably going to be the most reminisced time of my life, for this is the time of my shining blooming youth that will remain the most beautiful and delicate and precious flower of my memories. It will never come back and it will go by even faster because every day during this period is, and will be, packed to the ever-expanding limit with new experiences, intense experiences of sheer emotions, stumbling crying laughing without a stop, being young. I want this to go on forever but I know that this is the way it should be, otherwise it wouldn’t be half as beautiful.

And I really should go now, because I don’t want to squander my youth just meandering away on a freakin’ keyboard!”

So started the past school year. I think I cared so much more, about writing — and some other things. Where is this I who so calmly wrote words like these only — only 8 months ago?