I have to get up and start packing now.. an hour of intense decision making and stuffing awaits me.
I am really not home very much any more.. just when I start feeling settled down, I leave for another place. At least this summer I will be home for 1.5 consecutive months once I come back from this festival in Ottawa, which already makes me feel a little grounded.
I am enjoying being home for the first time in years. Mom’s still fragile in all ways, but collectively we are happier and much more rooted (finally) in the foreign soil since our immigration 6 years ago. July 1st – Canada Day – will officially mark our 7th year in Canada. We live close to church now, too, which makes it possible for my parents to have some social life. I am very glad for them.
As I look to the 4th week of my summer vacation, I see that the craziness and disorder in my life style has subsided by much. I am only now realizing how *crazy* and how dangerously out of control my life has been the past not-so-little while. People go through phases.. and sometimes they come out having gone through a complete transformation. Well, that has happened to me a few times in my life, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse; and this time, I have indeed become nearly unrecognizable to those who intimately knew me before college. I have always been crazy – whether it be hyper-craziness or OCD-craziness or bipolar-craziness, I can’t recall a single day of my life where I did not feel myself to be crazy – but, thrughout my adolescent years it only simmered and boiled inside; this time, though, I took even painstaking care to take it outside and let it wield its crazy force upon my exterior life as well. The result has mostly been destructive. I sincerely wish that it has been destructive upon itself as well, having explored the bottom reaches of its capabilities as I should ever allow in this life time, with the parents that I have, with the specific opportunities I have been given in this life, et cetera. Starting to wonder about the extent of my control over my own life, about my responsibilities, so many why’s really shook me from the very root of my existence (do pardon my gross floridity and excess drama; as an inherently dramatic person, despite endeavouring to refrain as much as possible, I cannot always prevent the unexpected leaks from the accumulating momentum). I have to thank a few people, dead and alive, for my existential earthquakes.. Siddhartha Gautama (!), Bertrand Russell, Stephen P. (all my love to you), Gretchen my philosophy/sculpture professor, and for indirect contribution, my mother, father, and cello teacher Laurence Lesser, and many of my peers and neighbours at NEC. I have made confessions and promises.. do watch me hold true to them through my repentance and beyond. Please let me be humble yet loving of myself, and hopeful when the evils of the discourgaing and demeaning rise against me to devour my will, especially from within.
And I go pack. Let’s kick Soo’s butt and get her to work……….