Today I played at my last Mass of the summer in Toronto.

I changed strings yesterday morning, and my cello sounds pretty nice.

I was thinking about not getting nervous, because I really shouldn’t be nervous when I’m playing for someone – I mean, it’s the whole point to play for other people. My cello sounded very relaxed and open, projecting and singing, and since it was my last Mass, I felt even more special than usual..

After the Eucharist I played Sarabande from the G major Bach Suite, and.. it was very special.. I was still a little nervous especially in the first half, but as I got into the second half I felt the music more naturally and could immerse myself in it at different moments – one of which being the little pause before the last phrase.. I was nervous, but the music was so beautiful that I could not help but feel moved to tears myself whlie and after playing. I guess other people could feel it as well, because they said the same to me after the Mass. I spoke to Kevin, who told me that he was so moved.. and even felt pain during that silence – and before the last note.. he also told me that he could feel my heart in my music, which in turn moved me. I felt very naked there, while playing, and it was beautiful – this tearful, fragile moment, with my trembling heart bared and suspended in the air for everyone to see. That raw connection between hearts was felt in split seconds and well, it makes one very solemn and teary.

After the Mass, the choir and I performed Caccini’s Ave Maria, once again.. the whole time I was quite sad, and moved, and grateful… for all the voices God has given us. I will never forget tonight. Afterwards I hugged and said goodbye to everyone, including the young priest who gives the evening Masses with the most wonderful sermons, and who told me today that he was reminded, of all cellists, Pierre Fournier, my favourite cellist and whose Bach recording is my favourite of all time, while I played the Sarabande. I will come back at Christmas.. see you then, everyone! Please pray for me!!

And.. Kevin, thanks for being so wonderful. You are so wonderfully kind and sweet, and, a lot of other things I shan’t quite say. Thanks for telling me that you’d write letters.. I’ll e-mail you soon!

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