what is it doing to me?
So we are almost at the end of a stressful, jam-packed and very fast-paced two months. Stress and workload and issues of adaptation aside, I am not liking what I am becoming at the end of these two months. I feel that I am becoming very ass****-ish in general. Law school seems to be bringing out the worst qualities in me. I feel very selfish, unable to extend beyond the absolutely necessary, extremely critical about most everything and vastly, vastly unhappy – albeit with moments of appreciation, yes – and emotionally oppressed. I ride on stress, basically exhausted but trudging along, and am not really sure where I am going. I realize it does not really matter where I am going, but that does not alleviate the feeling of repressed desperation as I trudge along through the tunnel.
Ha ha ha .. I suppose it is a spoiled existence of which I complain. Yet the degree of hardships is relative and the substance real in experience.
Yeah. So I am an asshole to my family these days as far as I’m concerned. Especially to my poor mother who really simply wants to help me but does inevitably gets in the way and I am such an impatient cranky brat that I do not hide my feeling of annoyance at each disruption.
I also make promises I cannot keep or must break, unable to think ahead or with a clear head at all and being inept and incapable in general.
I didn’t really realize/like the idea that writing out in a melodramatic way your feelings could help, but for some reason I find some cathartic value in this now. Perhaps I am less repressive than I was in adolescence. I also read fiction, which is another change, but that is for another time. It does relate. It DOES.
In general I feel that I cannot take care of anybody else but myself, and even doing that in itself is a handful already. I wonder whether I would ever become capable of giving of myself, expressing and making love felt, providing love and care in any shape or form. I wonder if I really even want to, (yes, I do, I do..) given the limited way I feel and my general lack of capacity and emotional reserve. I hate being so sensitive, which tires me out, and I hate being so susceptible, which gives me such a sensory and cognitive overload that I cannot focus and feel overwhelmed.
Despite these hurdles I am supposed to be a high-performing individual. A high-performance individual, like a high-performance utility-vehicle or some such thing. I wonder what I really am sometimes.
OOOo.. dark thoughts. Hey.. I am really okay 😦 I am just asdfakjfl;froq23noc; about my small group assignment which is to write a memo for a fictitious supreme court judge on what is essentially a tort case but is for a contracts class and I really don’t know a hoot about law, legal research, legal writing and do not possess common sense or any concrete academic skills and experience. asdfka;fa;dfa;fjlakjfj
Okay done. Good day, folks. : submerges into an ocean of martian-looking cases etc. that makes no sense, especially in terms of organization, to re-emerge in about 14 hours :
Question: Why do I feel so teenagey angsty? Didn’t that end after high school?