I think I have an intense desire to fit in, the flip side of which is the fear of being left out. This desire/fear exists against my desire for being my own person–“authenticity”, maybe. My tweeting, posting on message boards, listening to types of music that would make me uncomfortable, are all efforts born out of it. Even my curiosity is in great part fueled by this desire/fear. Writing and playing music were very important in my life because of the feeling of mass-approval. I want to be “in touch” with others and want to approve and be approved in return–which is why playing chamber music is so satisfying. Nothing else exists but the perfect little world that is complete in itself in the moment. I feel at peace because I am no longer distracted and there is only one world to live in, one clear goal to achieve, and I get everything I need from it, which is the feeling of ultimate connectedness & acceptance.
I think more concentrated efforts on letting myself be would accomplish much more and thus end up becoming much more satisfying in the long run, but I am sidetracked by this distracting and contradictory desire. I am not a sheep in the herd/the state of being sheep in the herd does not sit well with me at all, but I can’t help it–the world passing by me is scary in the constant possibility of my missing-out-on and thus being-left-out. I try to catch on to every whiff of the gigantic currents of winds that is the world, which thrives on its vast, random, incoherent mixture of the collective output of all those who are in it. The intense desire to follow up on everything slows me down in my forward progress & deeper footprint of myself, which may ultimately be more important and meaningful to myself.